The Woes of Glitterati

In my (occasional) generous moments, I actually feel a pang of pity for the glitterati, given the negative attention they suffer at the pens of the paparazzi. Look at poor Britney-- living on a paltry $700,000 a year and having to endure photos plastered across the web of a certain view revealing - well, too much! Honestly, on her budget, it is certainly conceivable that she simply could not afford clean undies on that particular night. But I am off-task here.

As I suggested, my moments of pity are rare-- generally my thoughts are that the “privileged” who suffer the bad press bring it on themselves.

Consider an event on Thanksgiving morning: one of the networks, in their zest to “cover-it-all” at the scene of the Macy’s Day Parade, invited a particular day-time TV starlet to appear briefly in the anchor booth. Somehow (perhaps because of the actress’s big mouth) the talking heads learned that this lady had recently become engaged. Naturally, the anchors pressed for details, hoping for a “Big Scoop.” (The definition of “news” has, of late, become rather foggy, but again, I digress.)

THE detail the talking heads wanted to glum onto was the name of the lucky fellow. The actress demurred: “It’s a secret,” she said. But the intrepid reporters pressed on: “WHO is the lucky guy,” they implored. The actress smiled sweetly and deflected the questions as long as possible. But the inquisition persisted. Finally, some details emerged.

First, the BIG MOMENT- the presentation of the ring- occurred while she was rummaging through her closet pissing and moaning about her ill-fitting jeans. THEN, it comes out that “the guy” is not in “The Business.” No typical Hollywood romance here. This gal is engaged to a fellow “in the insurance business in New Jersey. He is with his family firm.” A family insurance business in New Jersey! His name is a secret! Geez - could she make it any clearer?

That little bit of revelation is all the Paparazzi needs to flesh out countless tabloid articles. Lest the pen-twirlers have had too much turkey to think clearly, I humbly offer these suggestions: (And remember, readers, you saw it here first!)

1. Day-time soap star pregnant. Her first clue came during a mad dash for clothes to wear on a recent date.

2. Day-time soap star’s mother shocked to learn on National TV on Thanksgiving Day that her daughter is living with Jersey boy in New York.

3. Day-time Emmy Winning Soap Actress engaged to New Jersey Mobster.

4. Third wife of Louis Linquini found in East River. FBI’s probes day-time actress as potential co-conspirator.

5. Soap Starlet’s brother soon to be arraigned for the attempted murder of New Jersey mobster, said to be motivated by the dishonor of his sister.

6. And, looking some years into the future: “Police continue their search for former Soap Star. They are currently dragging the East River… She is the fourth wife of Louis Linquini who calmly claims desperation and depression over her three week absence.”

Now, lest you suffer a “generous moment” and pity the poor young lass this negative attention, remember- she brought it on herself. If she had simply made her appearance at the announcers’ booth and chatted about her family scattered across the country and how much she misses them and her plans for a nice microwave dinner in her apartment, none of this would have happened. But she had to be “sly” with details of her exciting news. You asked for it, doll-face. Happy Holidays.

Yep, some of us even work on Thanksgiving. My Christmas giving- at least to the press-- is done!