He's Back!

Okay! Okay! Here I am. The leather straps and electric shocks were a bit much, eh? I suppose it worked--my handler has me back in line (on-line? Whatever!)

For the record, I most certainly have NOT been misbehaving. I have simply been BEhaving elsewhere. I have been out fetching bananas ahead of the coming winter and generally scratching myself (read: fretting.)

I have suggested in the past that this notebook will concern travel in the PUC, writing and other stuff. The next few posts will concern the “other stuff.” Then I will go back and review my last trip of the season (if I don’t start MISbehaving again. HA.)

First off - the good news: Hollywood writers are on strike. Why is that good? Cuz most of what they produce is crap anyway-- tailored in sound bites to be sandwiched between intelligence-insulting commercials that never end. Here’s how to deal with this strike when the reruns start.

READ A BOOK!

No commercials. It’s there when you want it. You can slow down or speed up. Maybe, if we all go back to reading books for our entertainment we will learn how to think again and someday the world will be a better place for that effort. The last writer’s strike was estimated to cause a 10% permanent loss in TV viewership. Let’s shoot for 20% this time! YEAH!

While I have been screwing around, a couple gig full of e-mail piled up. The first one worthy of the recycle bin concerns one of those surveys that get forwarded from friends and relatives. You’ve seen them. The sender just forwards something they received and demands a response. Nothing personal, really; No “how ya doing?” or “I’m broke but fine” personal note. Just “ANSWER THIS or your scum.” Okay, I’ll try to answer. This one came under the subject heading of “FOUR THINGS.” It starts as follows.

Four Things about me! Things you may not have known about me....

Then it goes on to inquire about 14 different areas of the recipients’ preferences (which, if you do the math-- my handler did it for me-- comes out to FIFTY SIX things.) I suppose some of this might be considered a “personal note” but it seems fairly canned.

Now- suppose I answer all this stuff? THEN- say in 2016- I come out as a presidential candidate (at the current rate, by 2016 everyone else will already have run-- I might have to jump in!)

Okay, it’s a stretch- but let’s say it happens. Someone will dig out this e-mail and find out that in 2007 I said my favorite color was RED. Who is that going to offend in 2016? Or, suppose I list my favorite car as a BMW, but in 2016 Germany is on someone’s poop-list. Or - I say Ford and in 2016 Ford is out of business? Then I look pretty stupid. Then what? Ya see the problem? A guy can’t be too careful with how he responds to these things.

There are other problems with surveys like this: It asks for four favorite colors. Okay- with regards to WHAT? Black can be beautiful-- but black skies are worrisome and black bananas nasty. Blue skies are wonderful and blue jeans comfy-- blue houses and blue moods not so good. Yellow bananas are perfect-- yellow snow yucky. I own a brown truck but browns lawns can get you a ticket in some cities. I like green lawns and money-- green growth in the fridge is really bad news.

Then, there are “good books,” and “favorite movies” and “T.V. shows,” and stuff like that. I have a terrible time answering that kind of stuff. The answers are too dependant on my mood. Who wants to watch “M.A.S.H.” when they’re trying to think of romance? Or- “Mr. Holland’s Opus” when they’re mad at the world? Ya see? And, the whole survey is flawed anyway-- it does not ask for “four favorite songs.” What kind of survey is THAT? And speaking of songs-- my favorite genre is country, but you won’t find any country songs on my list of great songs-- at least not if I’m limited to four-- or even six! (See below!)

You get my point. How ya suppose to answer this with any kind of certainty?

I will try a couple of them, just to break the ice here:

Four places I have lived: Mokelumne Hill, CA; Shemya, Alaska; Vincenza, Italy; Sembach, Germany.

Four favorite movies: (a/o today.) Paint Your Wagon, Mr. Holland’s Opus, Lonesome Dove, The Longest Day.

Four great songs: “I Left My Heart in San Francisco,” (Tony Bennett.) “My Way,” Frank Sinatra.) “Changes in Latitude,” (Jimmy Buffet.) “For What It’s Worth,” (Buffalo Springfield.) “Seasons in the Sun,” (Terry Jacks.) “Washington Post March” (Sousa.)

Okay - so that’ six. Ya see? These surveys are impossible!

I’m gonna go scratch. I’d love to hear about four of your favorite things-- but I’m not going to send you a canned e-mail demanding a response!

Happy Bananas (yellow.)